I began the day with the challenge of writing bad poetry. Now I can’t stop.

Kate writes very sweetly, and all about the purity of true love. So I grab the moral high ground and then desecrate it.

*

Love me. Love me. Love me do.

I’ll love you back. I’ll love you true

By spending every night with you

I’ll love you in the morning too

I’ll treat you special. Treat you nice

At other girls I won’t look twice

I’ll take you shopping. Pay the price.

For you will be my only vice.

Other boys will gawk and stare

I won’t be jealous. I won’t care

I will be with you everywhere

Lurking in your underwear.

Somebody stop me please.

Another challenge. This one from Patricia , who doesn’t actually specify that it should be terrible – but I was on a roll.

Delicious

Them fishes

A sweet salty treat to eat

Tastier than birds

In other words

Any challenge to write terrible poetry seems ready made for me. That’s what I do. I can’t help it. So any such challenge is not really a challenge at all. It’s just another day at work.

But that is the challenge that Chelsea set – and I have given it my best worst shot. It is a ‘tanka’ (5/7/5/7/7) … a term I had never heard of 5 minutes ago. And it’s not supposed to rhyme. But if it ‘sort of’ rhymes in all the wrong places does that make it extra terrible?

It is supposed to be about Pumpkin Slice which is, of course, a subject that I write about regularly. Chelsea hints that it should include a reference to scented candles … and little wonder. I have never read a poem about pumpkin slice that didn’t wax lyrical about scented candles.

So this is just like every poem you have ever read on the subject of pumpkin slice. But worse.

I have entitled it…..

Terrible Cook. Look. Worse poet.

*

Peel it. Slice it up

A cup. Of sugar or two

You. Boil it to hell.

For smell? Scented candles get.

Yet more spice. Pumpkin slice. Nice.

I notice that my rugby friend was recently invaded by an uninvited nudist Here. And then she published a picture of a vacant swimming pool Here

Does she know how my mind works?

Will she forgive me?

***

Goodness gracious

Ain’t that cool?

There’s no-one at

The swimming pool

No one here

To steal our sun

No one here

To see our fun

No one here to point

And stare

So who will notice

What we wear?

Just me and you

Just you and me

Contemplating

Nudity

Underneath

The sky above

Contemplating

Secret love

Don’t think me naughty

Think me rude

Let’s take a dip

Let’s do it nude