I enjoy, on this site, a very small readership made up entirely of people I don’t actually know. That is the way I like it. Nevertheless I still live with the constant fear of offending someone. I am easy to misjudge, perhaps, and after jotting down a few obscure thoughts this morning it occurred to me that some of it might be perceived as nudging the boundaries of good taste. There are a couple of bits that might even come across as sexist. And one that may have about it, a hint of racism.

Be assured that I mean no offence.

Upon Contemplating Cannibalism

 

It is 2018.

So, we are speaking here, my friends, of an issue that comes up in polite conversation only rarely. It is the rare events in life, however, that get you.

As usual, it is best to be prepared (on that note we will be discussing, in the coming months, ‘Upon contracting the Bubonic Plague’, ‘Upon being Sentenced to Crucifixion, and ‘Upon Encountering Alien Spacecraft’. Stay tuned).

Thoughts of cannibalism come to us, in this day and age, only occasionally , as I say. But who has not given it at least casual consideration upon boarding some rusting airliner prior to a trip over remote, mountainous terrain? Where, in the long days awaiting rescue after the crash landing, it is notoriously difficult to get a decent bite to eat? All of you? Yes, I thought so.

It is in these situations that the powerful human instinct for survival takes over. But that is no excuse for bad manners. There are matters of etiquette of which you should be aware, and should observe, lest your fellow survivors turn upon you after sunset.

It is not the done thing, for example, to start leering at the rubenesque figure seated beside you before takeoff. Even worse to do so during the meal service with knife and fork in hand. By all means, however, offer her your dessert.

“Madam, I have had elegant sufficiently, but you look absolutely delicious, whoops, I mean ravenous. Could I interest you at all in an additional serving of ice cream?”

Then, if she accepts your gentlemanly offer and offers you, in return, a smile it is quite OK to smile back and say,

“We never know where the next meal may be coming from, do we?”

Try not to be too pedantic , at this early stage, with your post-accident culinary requirements. It is easy to become obsessed with the tasty treat sitting beside you and lose sight altogether of everything else potentially on offer. If you are travelling on a low-cost carrier (and, let’s face it, you probably are, these are the ones that crash all the time) the cabin will be absolutely bursting with boorish, poorly dressed, overweight loud-mouths. You may take some comfort in the thought that such people, though abhorrent in life, may prove to be absolutely scrumptious in death. Take note as well, as you are looking around with an eye to the future, of the people looking back at you with similar interest. These are the ones to be avoided at the crash site should you be suffering from any potentially life-threatening injuries.

If possible, it is wise to give other passengers the impression that you may, yourself, be inedible. It is perfectly permissible then, to shout loudly to a flight attendant,

“Excuse me Miss, I seem to have misplaced my leprosy medication. Has anybody handed it in?”

The nature of horrific mid-air incidents is that they tend to occur quite unexpectedly. The craft in which you are travelling is hurtling through space at about five hundred miles an hour. So is the one going the other way. It is highly unlikely that the pilots will give you much of a heads-up prior to the collision so any preparation you can have put in place beforehand will be time well spent. Before the flight attendants start rudely snatching the meal trays from in front of you try to find somewhere safe to secrete your knife and fork. These will provide for you a huge advantage later on. If you enjoy a bit of formality around dinner time (and who doesn’t?) it is wise to hang on to your serviette as well. Likewise, if there are any of those little bottles of burgundy lying about wrap them carefully in a blanket and place them under the seat in front of you.

Statistically, of course, your chances of survival are almost zero. But it pays to do anything you can to increase those chances. Those wearing a seatbelt enjoy far better odds than those not. So keep yours fastened. Tightly. And spend the entire flight in the brace position (details of this can be found on the safety card in the seat pocket in front of you). This sensible precaution may create varying degrees of concern amongst other passengers and particularly with the one sitting beside you. But ignore her obvious inexperience with the situation . And try to ignore the humiliating laughter it precipitates in the rows of drunken football fans behind you. This is not a popularity contest. Yet.

The crash itself is never a pleasant experience, but as you are plummeting earthward and people are screaming all about you try to remain calm. It is not, at this time, considered impolite to put a comforting arm gently around the delicious piece beside you. You might even lean towards her and kiss her tenderly on the forehead. At the same time your other arm might find its way across her juicy leg and onto her lap. Where it may surreptitiously unbuckle her own seatbelt without alerting her to the fact. Remember that this is a survival of the fittest situation. Any advantage available should be leapt upon. Having done so return to the brace position and hope for the best.

Unless you are the only survivor you are bound to be surrounded by a lot of negativity in the first few hours after the crash. In the short term this is likely to stifle, to a degree, appetite. Nevertheless it pays to get the basic preparations underway before it gets dark.

It will be cold. Light a fire. There is no need, at this point, to mention cooking. Encourage fellow survivors to huddle around closely sharing the warmth. This simple gesture will greatly enhance the feelings of camaraderie so vital to getting over those initial social hurdles that invariably arise when you, as a matter of necessity and leadership, bring up the delicate issue of cannibalism. By now the fire should have burnt down to a solid layer of hot coals.

Try not to be greedy. Share the best bits around. If somebody else is making moves towards the very thing that you have been salivating over all flight then you should apply to the situation the sensitivity that it demands.

“I say, good Sir, I think you’ll find that there’s plenty to go around, but would you mind terribly allowing me the honour of carving?”

Under no circumstances announce any personal preferences for light or dark meat.

If there is a priest about a short prayer before the main course is appropriate.

And this is the time that you should publicly announce your sincere regret at having to do what you are so enthusiastically about to do.

It will stand you in better stead at the subsequent enquiry.

 

****

 

Until next time.

Bon appetit!

.

Daily Prompt

 

 

Suddenly alone
An empty bed
Suddenly a home
Is a prison instead
A shift in perspective
A flash in your head
It was nothing I did
It was nothing I said

Suddenly adrift
On a rolling sea
Suddenly you have
Forgotten me
Clipped my wings
Then set me free
Is this how things
Would always be?

 

For Linda’s #SoCS

Here

So far we have invented fire and the wheel.

OK, so we didn’t actually invent fire. It was here already and we happened to notice it and figure out that it was useful in the preparation of hamburgers. And really, when you think about it, we didn’t invent the wheel either because, in a way, it was already here as well. We just noticed how round rocks roll down hills and took the idea from there. The rest (dare I say it?) is history.

The real talent we have, then, is noticing things.

I noticed a lump on my left arm yesterday. It’s not very big. You have to get up really close to it to notice it at all. So I did. I think the little ones might be more deadly than the big ones, for some reason. I spent the rest of the day wondering if I should see the doctor. I decided not to because either she will tell me it’s nothing and I will feel like an idiot or she’ll tell me that it’s terminal cancer. I don’t want her to tell me either of these things. This is an example of male cowardice and stupidity.

Assuming then, that I have six months to live, it’s difficult not to be a little underwhelmed with what we’ve achieved, so far. Fire and the wheel are all that I have come up with and, on a personal level, I can’t really claim to have had much to do with either of them. Though I might have noticed them first if I had gotten here early enough.

We abolished slavery too. Sort of. It’s astonishing how long we took to notice that.

But I had nothing to do with abolishing slavery, either. I’ve never even seen a slave. Although sometimes I wonder what the arrangements were with my mother.

So now, with the number of heartbeats left to me severely curtailed by the lump on my left arm I can’t help thinking that my contribution down here on the planet, so far, has been a bit of a disappointment. I didn’t invent fire or the wheel or abolish slavery. It’s as though I haven’t really noticed anything at all.

Oh well.

OK. This might seem like randomly leaping into the deep end. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I was inspired by a little drawing I came across earlier and attached to a sample of my dreadful poetry.

So. Not completely random.

The original idea, by the way, can be found Here

Upon being asked to Euthanise Another

People live far too long. Some of them, anyway. So it is inevitable that this request will be put to you at some time or another and it is best to be prepared.

Believe it or not, the first expectation others have when putting the idea into your head is that you will attempt to talk them out of it. So, in the short term at least, try to keep your enthusiasm in check.

Likewise, with laws in most states still marooned in a superstitious and religious quagmire it is best not to openly advertise your services in this regard. Suggesting it to a loved one before they ask is also considered not de rigueur. It is always best to ensure that the other party really does want to give it a try before going ahead with the job. This can be achieved with a few probing questions.

“So, let me get this straight. You want me to kill you, right?”

“Yes please.”

“Righto, then.”

Time is of the essence. The safest option is to do it there and then. With any delay you can be assured that word will get around to other friends and relatives. And the last thing you want on the big day is a crowd. Because somewhere amongst the spectators might be someone not entirely in agreement with the plan. And that could spoil everything.

There are a million different methods by which you might usher a loved one into the hereafter. A quick internet search will reveal a surprising array of simple and inexpensive recipes to humanely bring things to a close. My only advice on the matter is not to be overly theatrical about the whole thing. If the coroner stumbles across a scene reminiscent of a medieval torture chamber there are bound to be questions. The sort of questions that might render your outpouring of grief at the subsequent funeral a trifle unconvincing.

Euthanasia is an act of love. You should always ensure that your selfless gesture is to be reciprocated. Insist on proof. Once you and Aunt Betty have settled on a date and an agreed termination technique it is time to ensure that all the required paperwork is up to date.

“You have a final will and testiment typed up, I assume, dearest relative?”

“Yes.”

“May I see it?”

Upon asking another to Euthanise you.

It is not the done thing to change your mind at the last minute. Screaming out to hospital staff as another is nervously poised over your bed with pillow in hand might be tremendously funny at the time but may not seem so to the one who has taken on this solemn task with the very best of intentions.

And, regardless of your sudden apparent change of circumstances and renewed lust for life, they are bound to go ahead with it anyway. At the first possible opportunity.