If this doesn’t make you sick, then nothing will.

I will never achieve solidarity when it comes to questions regarding ‘the worst television ever’ – and there is certainly some dreadful stuff out there. But I’d like to put a vote in for ‘The Love Boat’. Most of you are too young to have seen it, perhaps, or too proud to admit it, but I did spend a few rainy Sunday afternoons on the couch with my sister – and the experience has scarred me for life.

Chelsea’s Terrible Poetry prompt this week relates to the Covid 19 situation, and whilst I do not wish to make light of the subject I could not help but be reminded of this truly nauseating TV show.

Forgive me.

***

Love. Exciting and new

Come aboard. We’re infecting you.

Love. Let’s all get in close.

It’s an onboard romance. Can I give you a dose?

The love boat, with passengers old and vague

The love boat. Soon we’ll be spreading another plague

Set a course for the hospital

Your mind on rewriting your will

And if I don’t survive this then

I sure as heck won’t pay the bill.

Love. That won’t go away.

The cabin next door

Didn’t wake up today

Love. That we can all share

And finish our cruise in intensive care

The love boat, we’ll soon have the world on its knees

The love boat. Let’s incubate love and disease

Now please step away

‘Cause I think I am going to sneeze.

Love. What a wonderful cruise

When life becomes cheap

Just like the booze

Love. A ménage a trois?

Let’s cough on each other, down at the bar

The love boat. Don’t ever pay them in cash

The love boat. More than an embarrassing rash

And if we don’t find safe harbour

They’ll be throwing us out with the trash

***

19 thoughts on “If this doesn’t make you sick, then nothing will.

      1. HA HA! Not infectious! 😀 Odd for that to be a BAD thing! 😀

        Oh yeah, I think you told me about that!! The cruise ship that should’ve just cruised along instead of docking! It bites!

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  1. Cruise ships have ALWAYS been disease spreaders. Usually it’s a stomach bug though, cuz people are nasty.

    Great poem. I can still hear the theme song after all these years🙄

    I didnt hate the Love Boat, but Fantasy Island was better. “The Plane boss, the plane”😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bravo, bravo. Right on the mark, as always. Love Boat was the sort of show, like Fantasy Island, that you watched because there was nothing else on or you were too lazy to get up and change the channel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We could occupy all of our time in isolation just debating the worst TV shows in history. To reach any sort of agreement on the worst movies would take even longer. I have only a little time in amateur theatrics (in which my performances are recorded as being consistently horrific) but, had I been a professional actor I can’t think of anything much worse than being recognised in the supermarket as “ Hey look!! That’s the guy from ‘The Loveboat’!”

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    1. I remember one show that lasted maybe two episodes, if you want bad taste this had it all…and yet it was funny, in a tacky kind of way: “Mr. Sunshine” about a blind man in a wheel chair who refuses any kind of help whatsoever–to the point where it shows him wheeling himself onto a stage (which was part of the plot line) and when the curtain goes up, he’s facing the wrong way. He starts to wheel the chair around when he hears the audience, and rolls himself right into the orchestra pit.
      I thought it was hysterical, but really, you can’t top that unless you have him slice open another human being who got too close to his machete…

      Love Boat and Fantasy Island were bad, but long-term and low key bad, so they didn’t offend as much as bore. You described the vibe beautifully, btw…

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      1. Holy Smoke! Mr Sunshine sounds great! It’s the sort of brilliant plot line that I am incapable of creating myself … that it only lasted two episodes seems a travesty of artistic justice.
        I have little tolerance for bad art, but, if the delivery is clever, bad taste is something I can’t get enough of!!

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  3. Pingback: WINNER of the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 4/17/2020 | Chelsea Ann Owens

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