For Suze

I think that I may have shared this little rant from someone else before, but since Suze has brought the subject up I feel it requires a revisitation.

Thank you Suze for winding me up again.

This also comes with a warning for some rather blue language.

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It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog. I’ve been busy, I’ve been lazy, I’ve been drunk and each of these things have contributed equally to our little blog falling by the wayside. Unfortunately, our silence has not meant that all is well. In our absence the world has grown more disgusting than ever. I still spend my days surrounded by people I despise and evenings drinking gin from the bottle, curled foetal on the floor.

A myriad of things have repulsed me over the last few of months. Students, onesies, students in onesies, fedoras, movember, Bognor Regis, dancing, that fella from Xfactor with the ears, that repugnant show ‘Two Broke Girls’… The list goes on and on. Top of the pile however, and by quite some distance, is the grotesque fad of ‘Keep Calm and something something’ advertising and it is fucking EVERYWHERE.

Originally developed in the 40’s to ‘Keep’ people ‘Calm’ during the Blitz, this once quite creative piece of propaganda has recently been mercilessly raped but the 21st century. It’s impossible to walk through a town centre without coming across piles and piles of mugs, tote bags, shirts, hoodies, posters, badges, magnets, bottle openers and all other manners of useless fucking tat with ‘Keep Calm…’ slogans branded on it.

Keep Calm… is the advertising equivalent of some fella following you around town and hitting you over the back of the head with a pillow.

The first time it happens is a little unexpected. ‘Oh!’ you think ‘that was weird… I mean, I guess it was sort of funny in an annoying way…’ but you presume that decency and common sense would dictate that it stops there. You continue walking about town in your own little world, wondering if you have time for another pint before football when he hits you again. ‘Fine’ you think. ‘It doesn’t hurt. It’s just annoying. I can handle annoying. He’ll get bored before I do’

Several hours later you’re sat in Grubbs trying to concentrate on your burger but the fella is still there and is now hitting you with the pillow every 30 seconds.

Hours turn to days, turn to weeks, turn to months and this fella is still following you around with the pillow, clocking you at every opportunity. You complain to your friends but they don’t see the problem ‘It’s funny’ they tell you.

Eventually the hair on the back of your head disappears through the constant abuse. Your skin thins and begins to weep puss and blood. Each blow begins to sting and burn more and more and soon a gaping hole opens up in your skull. Still your assailant bludgeons you with the pillow, now screaming at you to compound the misery.

‘Keep Calm and Drink Coffee!’ He screams

*wham*

Keep Calm and Ride Bikes!

*wham*

Keep Calm and Shop Local!!’

*wham*

‘KEEP CALM AND KILL ZOMBIES!’

*WHAM*

‘KEEP CALM AND OMG PONIES’

*WHAM*

‘KEEP CALM AND ROCK ON!!!’

*WHAM FUCKING WHAM*

Your knees buckle and you fall to the floor.

Your attacker, sensing weakness, tips back his head and screams ‘YOLO!’ and out of a nearby craft shop comes a girl in a homemade dress who starts whipping you incessantly with a screenprinted ‘Pugs Not Drugs’ tea towel. You look around for help but everyone nearby is too busy drinking craft beers from koozies or else taking Instagram pictures of the scene. More blows descend on your head and your body gives out. The last sound you hear is someone asking ‘Hey, anyone wanna go to Infinity Foods for lunch? We can go up to the craft fair afterwards’ Your torment is finally ended by the pillow wielding maniac crushing what’s left of your skull with his fixie.

I don’t want to over exaggerate things but if you make ‘Keep Calm’ merch, you are a cunt. Not only have you jumped on an already overcrowded bandwagon but you are doing so with the most minimal skill and effort possible. You are the worst. The VERY worst and you are what is wrong with the world.

Using clip art does is not creative. It does not make you an artist. The ‘Keep Calm…’ Pun that you’ve come up with ISN’T funny. YOU are not funny. There is absolutely zero merit in what you are doing.

Fuck. You.

******

And just to get in on the act …. here’s two of mine

Please don’t say “in my personal opinion” anywhere near me. I know whose stupid opinion you are expressing,

And, for my American friends …. Please don’t order a ‘tuna-fish’ sandwich within range of my ears. Last time I went fishing I noticed that all tuna seemed to be, without exception, fish.

9 thoughts on “For Suze

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