Watching myself

I was sitting in the doctor’s surgery today, getting a quick update on my life expectancies, when I came across a post from stoner expressing her common life experience and it seemed to me, at that point, that she might be describing a condition of which I am very familiar (but I might be wrong, she may have been saying something altogether different) and I tend to assume that it’s a common feeling, and that everyone tastes it, though not, perhaps, as often as I do.

Do you find yourself observing your own existence, as if a seperate entity? Do you marvel at how easily your other self navigates the everyday social demands of life with a clear, unemotional, logical indifference whilst acknowledging no connection with the panic that your real self is simultaneously experiencing?

No? Shit. Forget I even mentioned it.

Anyway… in the 5 minutes before the nurse arrived to usher me nervously into the room (my other self strode in exuding unrestrained confidence, I couldn’t help but notice) I wrote a quick reply.

It isn’t good.

It needs more thought and editing.

But it is honest, so I might just leave it be.

***

I’m just floating
On auto drive
Not even sure
That I’m still alive
Watching my body
Just doing his thing
Watching him dance
Watching him sing
But I’m not there
I’m out on a limb
He looks like me
But I’m not him
I’ve got no feeling
Neither has he
I wish he’d die
And let me be

15 thoughts on “Watching myself

  1. The middle, after asking No? got me laughing early today, so thank you! And yes, isn’t that a condition that comes with age? Along with, oh, I didn’t (say, do, ask) that? 🤗

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  2. My brain thinks I’m in my 30s, my body feels like it’s been through 80 hard years and the number of years since my birth is 52. I’m sure there must be some mathematical equation to figure it all out, but in simple words

    I think I’m young and want to have fun, but my body refuses and often tumbles over. It’s ridiculously unfair for my body to not cooperate with me.

    Ah, you said it better than me. With fewer words too.😉😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think that I did say it better than you, actually. Because what I was talking about is more of a mental thing. It’s the experience of being away from not only your body, but more particularly your mind and of watching as your other self miraculously navigates it’s way through life (in my case, this is especially noticeable in social situations). On the one hand you are vaguely thankful for this other self doing all the hard work but it’s exhausting just watching him and you resent him, anyway, as an imposter.
      I’m becoming increasingly alarmed that nobody else seems to know what I’m talking about.

      As for my actual body …. just wreckage, really. A burnt out hulk. It makes terrible noises if I try to drive it too fast or too hard, which I frequently do.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Interesting… I only see my past selves as though they were different people that lived a life I watched. I don’t remember what it felt like to be them, though I remember the events.
        In the moment, I’m not usually thinking at all, let alone observing.
        Its fascinating to me to get glimpses of how other people think and see and feel.

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      2. I think it’s just a defence mechanism for me. The truth is that I don’t cope all that well with life and can’t really handle social situations, but I have this other self who does a great job of it. He can be quite charming sometimes, in fact. But he has a hollow soul and he is a fake. I am thankful for him sometimes, but I don’t really like him.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. As another thought, though ….
        You speak (as do others) about glimpses of your past lives. Do you get glimpses of your future lives as well? Do your past lives get glimpses of you? It seems to me that all these lives should be independent of time and therefore effectively occurring simultaneously and therefore observing themselves (each other) all the time.

        There’s a novel in there somewhere….

        Liked by 1 person

      4. See… it’s a fascinating subject. As to future selves… yes, no, maybe…🤷🏼‍♀️ every single possibility exists concurrently… I think I’d need more sleep or a few drinks before I talk about that line of thought.😉

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  3. We all think about the same I think although I’m older. I try to live in the present most of the time because thinking about mistakes I’ve made isn’t helping anything. One thing I’ve noticed is that some memories I try to forget are too foggy and it’s like you said, I’m watching myself and wonder if I really did that. I know, weird.

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